A Guy Walks In A Bar

Final show of A Guy Walks Into A Bar…

Alright Guys and Dolls, this is it. The End.

Listen in tonight to A Guy Walks Into A Bar…

There will be a cornucopia of comedy; stand up, spoken word, and sketch comedy to be had in the final hours of this joyous show.

Tune in at 88.1 FM on the dial if you’re in the Bay Area, but for the rest of you jokers you can stream the feed online at KZSC’s website or on iTunes. Even your iPhones, we have apps for that!

Call in requests at (831) 459-4036, or you can click here to chat with me live during the show.

Remember: Tonight (Tuesday) 12:30-3:00 AM PST.

Laugh Loud and Proud!

For all those Cats who need some help, here are some Harry Potter Lines to aid the art of the pick up

Have you heard of Platform 9 and 3/4? Well, I can think of something else with the exact same measurements.

If you were a Dementor, I’d become a criminal just to get your kiss.

My name may not be Luna, but I sure know how to Lovegood!

I know we’re not in Professor Flitwick’s class, but you still are charming.

My love for you burns like a dying phoenix.

Hagrid’s not the only giant on campus, if you know what I mean.

Your name must be Severus Severus, because you’re making my prince full blood.

Interested in making some magic together? My wand is at the ready.

I must have had some Felix Felicis, because I think I’m about to get lucky.

Without you I feel like I’m in Azkaban and dementors are sucking away my soul.

I’ve been whomping my willow thinking about you.

If I were to look into the Mirror of Erised, I’d see the two of us together.

You are like a bottle of Skele-Gro: You’re growing me a bone.

I’m not wearing an invisibility cloak, but do you think I could still visit your restricted section tonight?

I’d like to get my basilisk into your chamber of secrets.

You don’t even have to say “Luminos Maxima” to turn me on!

Have you been using the Petrificus Totalus spell? Because you’ve made me stiff.

Whaddya say you and me go look for the Room of Requirement?

Do you want to head to the Shrieking Shack? We could do some shrieking of our own.

Are you using the Confundus charm or are you just naturally mind blowing?

(source)

The Funniest Joke in the World.

There was research done on what the funniest joke floating out there in the world was, and after a year they discovered this:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps,

“My friend is dead! What can I do?”.

The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

The second funniest joke in the world is:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender “Hey, what’s that all about?” The bartender replies, “Don’t take it personally, he never says ‘Hi’ to anyone.”

A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, “You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”